New Chapter

So many times in the last year I have thought about coming and journal more of my journey, but out of shame and embarrassment I haven't. The effect of being scrutinized by Satan himself has left me felt unworthy to even approach my Father. Sin...Satan loves when I sin, because he knows I am a child of God and he will do anything in his power to destroy my relationship with God. The fact of the matter is my relationship with God will never be severed. My life is in a moment of brokenness and being restored...and I LOVE THAT! "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

God's pricking on my heart started when I was 6 years old. I made a commitment to follow Christ as a 11 year old and surrendered my life to full time Christian service. My life has had its ups and downs, just like so many. My life by no means is perfect. I truly am a sinner and a daughter of Christ.

My new chapter began on June 6, 2011 standing in front of the judge with my attorney...every seat was filled with a stranger, and the one thing I remember is how quiet it became when I approached the judge. My lawyer told me right before we approached the judge, "he will sign the papers and it'll be done in less than 5 minutes." I had only been married for 5 1/2 months...and my marriage was being annulled. Annulments and divorces are very common in our society, but this is not what I wanted to find common in my life.

With the ending of my first marriage of 10 years, I left the marriage hurt and disappointed...never did I have moments of wanting to "take him to the cleaners" or have the attitude of "I'm going to make you suffer." Nothing. On the other hand the ending of my second marriage brought out a fight. An uncontrollable urge to hurt him like I hurt. I wanted to break him. I wanted to see God get angry with him.

What I really wanted...was him to change.

On my way to the courthouse, the song "7x70" by Chris August came on the K-Love radio station and the fight was taken away. It was an odd moment for me because my "guns" had been up for two weeks. I had proof of everything he hid and lied about...I was justified. In the midst of that song, God pricked my heart and said, "Justified or not...it's not your fight." Then without even thinking I lashed out loud and said, "What are you going to do to him? Make me not hurt anymore because it's not fair!" No answer.

I stood there sobbing in front of the judge and in a matter of 15 minutes the judge signed the annulment. As we left the courtroom my lawyer asked me why I was sad. Can you believe the nerve? I looked at her in the hall where there is no warmth, but cold, white walls and I said, "because I still love him."

Last Wednesday, I got my answer to my question that I had lashed out to God. Nathan Lino, which is the founding pastor of Northeast Houston Baptist Church, spoke and said, "when God says "vengeance is mine" it doesn't mean you get a front row seat." I was blown!...blown away because this pastor looked right at me when he said it...and I did like what most people would do, which is start looking around the church as if that wasn't meant for them (me) to hear.

Last Tuesday Patrick sent me a message saying, "Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon-my song for you." Oh how the entire song is true. My response, "There's a place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

Saying goodbye and forgiving a loved one is so important to the healing process.

Hugs and Loves,
Karri