The last couple of weeks I have been going through a bible study at First Baptist Church Odessa entitled “one in a million” by Priscilla Shirer. I do not consider attending this study a coincidence. My journey is taking place while this bible study is being offered and while the Sunday school lessons are on the same material. There are many woman that attend on Thursday mornings that I have not become acquainted with nonetheless I sit at the front table with much anticipation and still…a heavy heart.
Right before our week two session began the bible study leader came to me and handed me a book, “Praying God’s Word” by Beth Moore. There is a chapter in the book on loss, mainly about losing a loved one to death. I read the chapter on loss, because if you haven’t experienced a divorce and/or annulment then you may be unaware there is a grieving period. Beth Moore made two very poignant points in this chapter: The first is death of a marriage can cause debilitating grief. The second is no loss is created equal, and no mourner is exactly the same.
When my first marriage ended I did not grieve like I have been with the ending of my second marriage. My divorce with my first husband was not a stronghold. Yes, I did grieve but the grief has not been unmanageable for me. I had already been grieving the last years of our marriage. This may be hard for some of you to read because you knew my first husband and I…and for many years you knew us.
The ending of my second marriage has caused quiet more pain and grief. On Thursday, May 19th the information given to me was more than what I could absorb. I walked in a fog for nearly two weeks in complete denial. I realized a few weeks back on I-20 (in a complete meltdown) I was simply breathing for my son and that is not what I wanted for my life. I want to live.
It’s nearly been a month since the annulment was finalized. I have come a lot further in the last six weeks than what I would have expected out of myself. My minutes have felt like days and my seconds have felt like minutes. I don’t know how long it will take me to complete this part of my journey, but I am following Christ in sight not just by hearing. I imagine God cupping my face and whispering softly, "Follow Me."
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
6.24.2011
New Chapter
So many times in the last year I have thought about coming and journal more of my journey, but out of shame and embarrassment I haven't. The effect of being scrutinized by Satan himself has left me felt unworthy to even approach my Father. Sin...Satan loves when I sin, because he knows I am a child of God and he will do anything in his power to destroy my relationship with God. The fact of the matter is my relationship with God will never be severed. My life is in a moment of brokenness and being restored...and I LOVE THAT! "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
God's pricking on my heart started when I was 6 years old. I made a commitment to follow Christ as a 11 year old and surrendered my life to full time Christian service. My life has had its ups and downs, just like so many. My life by no means is perfect. I truly am a sinner and a daughter of Christ.
My new chapter began on June 6, 2011 standing in front of the judge with my attorney...every seat was filled with a stranger, and the one thing I remember is how quiet it became when I approached the judge. My lawyer told me right before we approached the judge, "he will sign the papers and it'll be done in less than 5 minutes." I had only been married for 5 1/2 months...and my marriage was being annulled. Annulments and divorces are very common in our society, but this is not what I wanted to find common in my life.
With the ending of my first marriage of 10 years, I left the marriage hurt and disappointed...never did I have moments of wanting to "take him to the cleaners" or have the attitude of "I'm going to make you suffer." Nothing. On the other hand the ending of my second marriage brought out a fight. An uncontrollable urge to hurt him like I hurt. I wanted to break him. I wanted to see God get angry with him.
What I really wanted...was him to change.
On my way to the courthouse, the song "7x70" by Chris August came on the K-Love radio station and the fight was taken away. It was an odd moment for me because my "guns" had been up for two weeks. I had proof of everything he hid and lied about...I was justified. In the midst of that song, God pricked my heart and said, "Justified or not...it's not your fight." Then without even thinking I lashed out loud and said, "What are you going to do to him? Make me not hurt anymore because it's not fair!" No answer.
I stood there sobbing in front of the judge and in a matter of 15 minutes the judge signed the annulment. As we left the courtroom my lawyer asked me why I was sad. Can you believe the nerve? I looked at her in the hall where there is no warmth, but cold, white walls and I said, "because I still love him."
Last Wednesday, I got my answer to my question that I had lashed out to God. Nathan Lino, which is the founding pastor of Northeast Houston Baptist Church, spoke and said, "when God says "vengeance is mine" it doesn't mean you get a front row seat." I was blown!...blown away because this pastor looked right at me when he said it...and I did like what most people would do, which is start looking around the church as if that wasn't meant for them (me) to hear.
Last Tuesday Patrick sent me a message saying, "Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon-my song for you." Oh how the entire song is true. My response, "There's a place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
Saying goodbye and forgiving a loved one is so important to the healing process.
Hugs and Loves,
Karri
God's pricking on my heart started when I was 6 years old. I made a commitment to follow Christ as a 11 year old and surrendered my life to full time Christian service. My life has had its ups and downs, just like so many. My life by no means is perfect. I truly am a sinner and a daughter of Christ.
My new chapter began on June 6, 2011 standing in front of the judge with my attorney...every seat was filled with a stranger, and the one thing I remember is how quiet it became when I approached the judge. My lawyer told me right before we approached the judge, "he will sign the papers and it'll be done in less than 5 minutes." I had only been married for 5 1/2 months...and my marriage was being annulled. Annulments and divorces are very common in our society, but this is not what I wanted to find common in my life.
With the ending of my first marriage of 10 years, I left the marriage hurt and disappointed...never did I have moments of wanting to "take him to the cleaners" or have the attitude of "I'm going to make you suffer." Nothing. On the other hand the ending of my second marriage brought out a fight. An uncontrollable urge to hurt him like I hurt. I wanted to break him. I wanted to see God get angry with him.
What I really wanted...was him to change.
On my way to the courthouse, the song "7x70" by Chris August came on the K-Love radio station and the fight was taken away. It was an odd moment for me because my "guns" had been up for two weeks. I had proof of everything he hid and lied about...I was justified. In the midst of that song, God pricked my heart and said, "Justified or not...it's not your fight." Then without even thinking I lashed out loud and said, "What are you going to do to him? Make me not hurt anymore because it's not fair!" No answer.
I stood there sobbing in front of the judge and in a matter of 15 minutes the judge signed the annulment. As we left the courtroom my lawyer asked me why I was sad. Can you believe the nerve? I looked at her in the hall where there is no warmth, but cold, white walls and I said, "because I still love him."
Last Wednesday, I got my answer to my question that I had lashed out to God. Nathan Lino, which is the founding pastor of Northeast Houston Baptist Church, spoke and said, "when God says "vengeance is mine" it doesn't mean you get a front row seat." I was blown!...blown away because this pastor looked right at me when he said it...and I did like what most people would do, which is start looking around the church as if that wasn't meant for them (me) to hear.
Last Tuesday Patrick sent me a message saying, "Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon-my song for you." Oh how the entire song is true. My response, "There's a place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."
Saying goodbye and forgiving a loved one is so important to the healing process.
Hugs and Loves,
Karri
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