Cup my face and whisper, "Follow Me."

The last couple of weeks I have been going through a bible study at First Baptist Church Odessa entitled “one in a million” by Priscilla Shirer. I do not consider attending this study a coincidence. My journey is taking place while this bible study is being offered and while the Sunday school lessons are on the same material. There are many woman that attend on Thursday mornings that I have not become acquainted with nonetheless I sit at the front table with much anticipation and still…a heavy heart.

Right before our week two session began the bible study leader came to me and handed me a book, “Praying God’s Word” by Beth Moore. There is a chapter in the book on loss, mainly about losing a loved one to death. I read the chapter on loss, because if you haven’t experienced a divorce and/or annulment then you may be unaware there is a grieving period. Beth Moore made two very poignant points in this chapter: The first is death of a marriage can cause debilitating grief. The second is no loss is created equal, and no mourner is exactly the same.

When my first marriage ended I did not grieve like I have been with the ending of my second marriage. My divorce with my first husband was not a stronghold. Yes, I did grieve but the grief has not been unmanageable for me. I had already been grieving the last years of our marriage. This may be hard for some of you to read because you knew my first husband and I…and for many years you knew us.

The ending of my second marriage has caused quiet more pain and grief. On Thursday, May 19th the information given to me was more than what I could absorb. I walked in a fog for nearly two weeks in complete denial. I realized a few weeks back on I-20 (in a complete meltdown) I was simply breathing for my son and that is not what I wanted for my life. I want to live.

It’s nearly been a month since the annulment was finalized. I have come a lot further in the last six weeks than what I would have expected out of myself. My minutes have felt like days and my seconds have felt like minutes. I don’t know how long it will take me to complete this part of my journey, but I am following Christ in sight not just by hearing. I imagine God cupping my face and whispering softly, "Follow Me."